The Conspiracy:

It’s a conspiracy you know.  I am a computer genius and I know these things.  Computers, machines, and all types of electronics are taking over the world.  I know what you are thinking, ‘Just another raving lunatic who has had his knickers on too tight, or been smoking a little too much wacky weed.’  I am here to tell you I never wore, Knickers, and I don’t smoke, Wacky Weed.  Just you never mind what I do smoke, OK.

Back to this conspiracy, remember the matrix, ultimately all we had become is batteries for the machines in the world.  Maybe not next week, or next year but it’s coming you mark my words.  Ok time for some examples.  You think I am going to start off with some great military industrial complex example right.  Just like Terminator 3 or such, nope it’s right under our noses and we don’t even see the revolution.

Bathrooms, yep you heard me the common every day public restroom.   Now hear me out on this before you mark me down as a nut job.  Well I may be a nut tomorrow, but today I am going to be condiments. We all think it’s a good idea to wash your hands and flush when you are done with the paper work.  All good but it is after all a public washroom, do you really want to touch the same seat and handle as that mouth breather from 3 cubicles down?  Of course not, but you have to, then you go wash your hands and well you know the routine.  

Turning on and off the water was always stupid.  You wash your hands with soap and then with your clean hands you touch the same faucet that was touched by Mr. Dufus from the second floor.  And it’s not limited to men.  No I walked by the women’s restroom last week and the fumes about reached under the door and dragged me back in.  It was all I could do to hang on to a door handle till a buddy came by and aided me in my escape from the odor.  No this is not a man only thing, I am pretty certain this transformation has taken place in Women’s restrooms as well just like across the country just like men’s.

So some evil genius went to the owner of a business one day and sold him on this idea of an automatic faucet.   The business owner was sold on the idea that people would not soil their hands turning on and off the faucet, nobody would accidently leave the faucet running, and think of the time people would save.  Everybody would wash their hands because they don’t have to turn on the faucets, people would smile again, and manna would flow from the heavens.  At least I am pretty sure that’s the way the salesman probably made it sound.  Is that the result, oh no.

You have seen them, those poor wet souls who were trying to wash their hands in a bathroom with automatic faucets.  First they get soap all over their hands and then…. Nothing…. No water, no moisture.  Often seen in airport restrooms (these are particularly dangerous places, more on that later) yes there they are waving and gesticulating madly trying to get the water to come out.  Only to … yes you have seen this.  They put their head in the sink and KARFOOSH!  Lots a water.  All in their eyes, up their nose, and all over that nice clean shirt, but none on the hands.  Now what’s the next thing somebody in that condition is going to do, yep wipe the water out of their eyes but NO NOT WITH YOUR HANDS COVERED WITH,  oops too late.   

Remember inside each of those faucets is going to be a sensor and a microprocessor of sorts all connected to the power grid.  You don’t think those things run on batteries do you?  

Next came the automatic soap dispensers.  Of course it makes perfect sense that since we have automatic water we also have automatic soap dispensers.  These too have sensors, microprocessors, and are connected to the power grid.  Well since we have you not touching the faucet or the soap why touch the paper towel dispenser.  Now we have the Water, Soap, and Paper Towels all automatically dispensed.   When they work correctly, and that is rarely.  

I know these things talk to each other.  You can almost hear if you are digitally inclined.   Walk into the room with your cell phone and if your cell phone is having a bad day, you will to before you leave that restroom.  It will transmit to the tower, the tower will send the signal down the electrical lines.  The damn phone has a GPS in it the computers no longer have to triangulate your position.  

Used to be you would see some poor schmuck walk into the can only to walk out a wet, soapy eyed mess and wonder what happened.  That was before GPS’s in the cell phones.  Now the computer in the cell phone talks to the computer in the faucet and the target is much more easily found.  

We have all seen them, waving their hands under the faucet, trying to get soap on then off, or tugging at the automatic towel dispenser.  Folks this is not where the insidious danger lies.  No this is merely for the entertainment value.  The serious issues lie in the little steel room where the porcelain receptacle is found.

Folks I warn you this may not be for the weak of heart.  But consider the current invasion we are now facing.   You walk into the room, complete your task and unbeknown to you somebody has now installed an automatic flusher!   Yes you stand up and suddenly, Kar-foosh! Down goes the water.  You think OK but I haven’t completed the paperwork yet.  Next you are treated to a crescendo of Kar-Foosh, Kar-Foosh, Kar-Foosh, as if the bloody thing were trying to tell you something.  Maybe they are scent operated?

So you turn to the dispenser and … Shee-It.  No that’s what you just did.  But there it is starring you in the face, an automatic toilet paper dispenser.   Folks this stuff is fragile if it weren’t it would clog up pipes from here to Brazil, Bangladesh, and hit Zimbabwe along the route.   If you get too little, well, you know what that’s going to mean.  You will be forced to wash your hands before you got back to work and do battle with the evil faucet.    If you get too much suddenly the automatic Lu won’t flush and now what do you do?  Or worse it goes on a flushing rampage while you are trying to deal with an over abundance of TP.  There you stand with a wad the size of a basket ball in a receptacle designed for a good base ball and ain’t nothing gonna go down there.   And of course the water fall that is inevitably going to make your walk back to your cubical a soggy embarrassing mess.

So these things have to be delicately adjusted.  These automatic TP dispensers.   Not too much TP, certainly not too little, and don’t shred it on the way out.  But that’s not what’s happening is it.  You will see them all over the place people looking lost and confused.  As they walk out of the restroom soap in their eyes, water on their shirt stinking, because the automatic TP dispenser short changed them.  That’s just the state of mind the computer of this world want us in.  You think it was a management decision to install automatic faucets, paper dispensers, soap dispensers, toilet flushers, and TP dispensers.  No it was not! Well at least not in the executive washrooms.  In the wash room us peons have to use we are left to fight with this technology on our most base level.  Executive wash rooms have an operator.  You don’t really think they would pay some dude to hand you a towel do you.  No his job is to keep the technology at bay for the executives.  

If they were all going wild at one place of business the management would eventually have these devices fixed.  But where can they just run amuck and never be noticed.  Yes you guessed it, at the airport.  Lots of hapless victims and very few ever go tell the management.  I am quite certain the root of all this evil is a massive networked complex of toilets in the airport hubs across America.  

Now think about it.  The faucet, wired to the power grid, the toilet wired to the power grid, the electric TP dispenser, wired to the power grid, and you walk into a small metal box surrounded by all this technology about to go wrong.   

Mark my words some day there will be the head line, “Man electrocuted in the Can, film at 11:00.”  At that time you will remember, I told you so.  As for me, I live in the desert, I am going to step outside and take a leak.